Monday, 5 November 2012

Congratulations!



Dennis is of course a founder (only) member of the Shed Breeders Association and I am sure that all of us would like to offer him hearty congratulations on the birth of his new shed. This was how he announced it:

"After a long hard labour I can now announce  the birth of our new Shedling. Although a long labour (lots of splinters and sawdust) the Shedling was soon able to stand up on all four of its corner posts. The photo shows the feeding tube still attached to the mother/father shed. Both parent and Shedling are doing well, all we need now is a name".

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Strange sounds explained


We are very grateful to Dennis for sharing this extraordinary story with us.
 
Thought you might like to know that the strange sounds from my new Shed  have at last  been  explained.

The rumblings and sometimes almost intestinal  sounds grew louder recently to the point whereby we needed to call in an expert. We called in a Dr Woodknot to take a look, he soon had a theory and called in an Obshedtrician who performed an ultrasound scan of my new Shed.

The results can be seen in the attached ultrasound picture.
 
Its quite clear, my shed is indeed with Shedling.
 
The Obshedtrician explained that Sheds are hermaphrodites and the the recent cumming together of Susan and my shed would have produced this result! The Shedling will most probably  be born later this week.
Quote from Anne “ I new this would happen letting that Susan round here, now we have been left holding the poor little ******** and born out of Shedlock too!”  


Tuesday, 16 October 2012

ABUSE SCANDAL - More revelations

We are grateful to Maestro Buch for his diligent reporting.

WARNING - This report contains explicit images
Following recent reports in the media about a deceased TV presenter, more and more alleged victims have come forward with tales of years of abuse.

It seems that the previously sainted presenter, Harry Hucknell, was systematically abusing victims for many years.    In his well known TV series 'Harry'll Fix It', Hucknell was often seen in his shed using his tools in various ways to demonstrate how to make coffee tables and other useful domestic items.   According to several witness statements, it now appears that Hucknell was a predatory shedoephile, using his position to abuse many innocent sheds for his wicked desires.   Hucknell is pictured holding his trademark half-finished book shelf.

Evidence has come to light that Hucknell would often caress work benches in inappropriate ways off-camera, often applying several coats of creosote.   He would also treat wood unmercifully, rendering into a nicely turned table lamp without it's consent. 

Apparently many people at the BBC were aware of this, and several accusations were made at the time, but were never fully investigated.   Newsnight were prevented from broadcasting a story concerning these revelations.   The BBC has announced that there will by a full enquiry into these allegations.

In an interview with the BBC, Elsie Rancid, co-founder of Shedline, said that there were many rumours in the Do-It-Yourself Department of the BBC at the time, but with no clear evidence it seems that Hucknell was able to shrug them off as tittle-tattle.   Miss Rancid said that as a result of the recent publicity, more and more calls are being received by Shedline about extensive abuse across the whole shed industry.

In a separate development, police announced today that they have uncovered a shedoephile ring operating all across the UK and beyond.   It is unclear how many are involved, but evidence suggests that a group of women, some as young as 25, have been posing on the Internet as retired males in order to obtain pictures of men's sheds.   Police have seized several computers and discovered images of sheds with their doors wide open.   Some of these sheds are no more than two years old!

There have also been reports of serious neglect, and documentary evidence has been found.   Two sheds in Bletchley Park have been left untended for decades and in in a state of serious decay (see picture).   The current European financial crisis has also led to some severe cases of neglect as can be seen in the shocking image of a previously spectacular shed in Athens (see picture).

A spokesperson from Social Services Shed Protection Unit said in a statement that there are several on-going investigations into wide spread abuse of sheds and that prosecutions are expected to follow.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Assange: New Offer of Asylum!
Wiki Leaks founder Julian Assange has been offered asylum in the Black Horse public house in Melbourn. He was smuggled out of the Ecuadorean embassy and arrived in Melbourn late last night. In this exclusive interview given to SagaLouts TV today he seemed somewhat surprised at the temperature of the beer but still managed to consume 18 pints.When asked how he felt to be in Melbourn Assange replied  "Its good to be home mate but its changed a lot, where are the gum trees and Koalas?" Clearly Mr Assange had not realised that he was in Melbourn South Cambridgeshire.  When this was explained to him he said "I thought that was a bloody short flight mate". The interview ended with Mr Assange asking where he could find the dunny, "I'm bursting for a wikileak mate" were his final words.

Saturday, 18 August 2012


£1.2m For sale in Melbourn
Stylish Bijou Pied a Terre available 
Shed style is all the rage at the moment and this is one of the finest that we have been able to present for some time. It comprises a surprisingly spacious combined living, sleeping and cooking area set in a large plot mostly laid to nettle. The property benefits from its own independent water supply and 24 hour security is by way of a long stick. Early viewing is recommended.

Friday, 17 August 2012

Local man found living in shed
Mr Keith Rudge. formerly of Dolphin Lane, Melbourn was found to have been living in a shed for more than five years, having mislaid his keys after visiting the Black Horse public house. When interviewed Mrs Rudge said "yes I did wonder where he was". Two days after his reappearance Mr Rudge's shed was broken into and £3,500 pounds worth of Tennants Super was stolen. 

Friday, 10 August 2012

Team SL wins gold!

Having been included in the Melbourn 2012 Olympics for the very first time the Team Base Laying has proved to be one of the most popular events of the games. In front of a sell-out crowd our very own Saga Louts team have struck Gold with an astonishing display of strength and skill beating the Bassingbourn team by a staggering 875 Tamps to nil.

Team leader Dennis was over "over the moon" and we are still awaiting the results of his drugs test. However he was at pains to praise the team's coach Anne whose punishing schedule was responsible for Team SL's success.

After supervising four years of training Anne has taken a well earned break in fact she hasn't been seen at all since the Medal ceremony.

Legacy has of course been a major concern at these games and we are pleased to announce the Team SL's base will be the foundation of new training facility with a full size snooker table, skittle alley and bar after planning permission for a pram store was refused.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Incident Report
Sunday July 10 between 2-6pm
Status Red Alert!

Subject: Male Caucasian, early 50’s travels under the pseudonym of “Shane”

“Shane” was seen entering the premises of 100 High Street Melbourn where a celebration was being held in the garden for two frail and elderly gentlemen. In the ensuing four hours “Shane” helped himself to large quantities of both food and alcoholic beverages whereupon he proceeded to gyrate in an uncontrollable fashion. Not content with this extraordinary behaviour he then grabbed the microphone that was being used by Mr Tony Buch (a musical entertainer) and proceeded to sing a song that I understand was called “My Way”. Unfortunately Mr Buch’s ensemble was playing “Land of Hope and Glory” at the time.

“Shane” later made various lewd propositions to some of the ladies that were present even suggesting that one of them should abscond with him (although evidenced by the photograph shown above it seems not all were resistant to his “charms”).

It has also come to our attention that “Shane” claims to be the inventor of a new dance craze “TYSITBOMT” (Tuck Your Skirt in the Back of My Trousers) clearly seen in the photograph. Our officers have asked the chair to come forward as a witness.

Although he claims to be a scientist we believe that “Shane” may have infiltrated this gathering on orders from Ranger Ron from Bassingbourn and any further sightings should immediately reported to SagaLouts HQ.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Birthday Greetings to Our Glorious Leader


It seemed only fitting to mark the 65th birthday of Our Glorious Leader with a suitable tribute but unfortunately we couldn’t think of one! However the boffins at SagaLouts HQ have just finished the development of their top secret dream capture device. With the help of Mrs OGL we managed to hide it under his pillow. The result was this remarkable film. Eagle eyed viewers will notice a few anomalies thrown up by the dream capture software, like the steering wheel being on the wrong side. However OGL’s visceral hatred of AC Cobra’s has been captured rather well along with some impressively late breaking. What a pity it was just a dream, but perhaps next year will see the Healy completed and Our Glorious Leader taking the chequered flag at Le Mans.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Euro Fork training programme


We are pleased to be able to release these superb images of Our Glorious Leader demonstrating the combat readiness for which he is famed. Note the perfect position of the Euro Fork during the thrust phase. We understand full Euro Fork training will be available at the BH drill hall later today.