Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Dateline Tuesday 22nd March


Once again we are indebted to Deputy Tony for this contribution

The Ministry of the Fence reported today that Squadron Leader Deputy Paul was currently on leave, suffering from Golf Syndrome. He is expected to return to duty next week when he will resume operations piloting EARWAX, our high flying surveillance aircraft, which is currently awaiting further supplies of cotton buds.

A spokesman for Deputy Pete reported that the conversions to the motor home have now been completed and the camouflage had been applied.  Unfortunately Mrs Pete has insisted on hanging some rather nice net curtains at the windows which has rather defeated the object of the camouflage. Nonetheless the new mobile operations centre is expected to be deployed shortly after assurances had been given to certain parties that it will be restored to to it's original conditions once hostilities cease, or at least in time for the summer holidays.

Deputy Pete's found the camouflage is easy to apply

The Euro Pram returned from a mission yesterday with it's payload intact. The mission was cancelled when it was learnt that innocent cucumbers were being used as a vegetable shield in the Bassinbourn Allotment compound, where Ranger Ron is thought to be holed up in his shed.

Pilot Officer Deputy Dennis has been recommended for the DFC (Distinguished Farting Cross), following his heroic actions piloting the Euro Pram. His wife Anne welcomed the proposed award, but complained that Dennis insists on using phrases like 'Wizard Prang' and 'Wilco' in every conversation. Following her recent treachery in releasing unauthorised pictures of the top secret Euro Pram, she has little room for complaint.

There are unconfirmed reports that Deputy Julian is not in the South of France as previously reported but is in fact behind enemy lines as part of an SAS (Special Ale Service) operation. An unnamed source said the Personnel Carrying Lawnmower had been spotted on the Bassinbourn bowling green, with Deputy Julian at the controls. Some credence is given to this story by the fact that Deputy Julian is often seen with dirt and grease covering his face. His explanation has always been that he had spent much of the day under the bonnets of his various vehicles, but it is likely that the dirt and grease were in fact experimental forms of camouflage.The Ministry of the Fence declined to comment.

Bassinbourn local radio has broadcast a long rambling speech by Ranger Ron, in which he claimed to have imposed a 'no fry' zone over Melbourn.However, the proprietor of Melbourn's Fish and Chip shop refuted this claim and confirmed that the complete range of his excellent fried fish and chips are still available.   During the speech, Ranger Ron also claimed that Coalition Forces were only after the supply of Rape Seed grown in his extensive allotments."It's our oil they are after" he said.  (source: Rotters News Agency)

Our Glorious Leader released a statement saying that Ranger Ron had brought great shame to the Ancient Order of Rangers by crossing over to the Dark Side. He also said that Ranger Ron had also misappropriated the phrase 'May the Force Flakes be with you', by including this ancient breakfast cereal product in his Enemas of Mass Destruction, as identified by our science correspondent Deputy Gordon.

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