Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Keeping Melbourn Safe


In the light of the turmoil in the Middle East we have received alarming intelligence reports of possible disturbances in Melbourn. Older members will remember the Leech’s sausage riots of 1973 and so we must remain alert and vigilant. Once again Ranger Ron from Bassingbourn is thought to be behind this. Drivers listening to their car radios are familiar with the interruption by traffic reports but recently we have received a more ominous intrusion that was recorded by a diligent deputy, the transcript is as follows:

“Citizens of Melbourn resistance is futile, you must...erh... Ron you still haven’t fixed the loo, it’s in a terrible....not now Gladys, and I’m broadcasting....if you surrender you will be treated...” And there the broadcast ends but its intention is clear.

As this rare sighting shows Ranger Ron has invested in the latest weaponary and his men are ready to go at a moments notice so we are now operating under code red (and not Farrow and Ball Duck Egg Blue as one wag has suggested). To this end deputies have been assigned various tasks. I am pleased to say that Deputy Gutteridge has almost finished adding outriders to the lawnmower to enable four men to be transported at speed to any trouble spot within the village and to that end we are particularly grateful to Our Glorious Leader for the donation of Twin Webbers from spares found in his garage, I’m sure he will find the single Stromberg a worthy replacement.

Due to this enhanced threat level, concern has been expressed about absenteeism at recent meetings. We rely on Deputy Paul for Aerial Reconnaissance and for Deputy Gerry (given his recent restoration activities) for advice on waterborne attack from the River Mel. The north eastern approaches to the village have also remained vulnerable during Deputy Mike’s long absence. We hope that this situation will soon be rectified.

Whilst away OGL has been planning manoeuvres that will take place on his return and so he has requisitioned Deputy Pete’s motor home as a mobile HQ. This will of course require some refurbishment to ensure its suitability including a camouflage paint job and the removal of any superfluous interior fittings like beds and showers. Under the circumstances I am sure that Deputy Pete can square it with the Mrs.

Deputy Gordon is putting the full weight of his scientific expertise behind exposing Ranger Ron’s WMD capability. It has been suspected that for some time that stockpiles of these impregnated Wipe-out Melbourn Dusters exist and Deputy Gordon’s dossier is eagerly awaited. 

The omission of Deputy Dennis from this review was due to his involvement in a top secret defence programme. As the Euro Pram project has now been exposed by WikiLeaks we will be publishing more on this in later bulletins.

Planning is now underway for the celebration of Our Glorious Leader’s birthday and we thank Deputy Tony for agreeing to compose a new Melbourn National Anthem in honour of this great occasion. Finally I should like to point out that rumours that Our Glorious Leader’s authority has been challenged by a much, much younger man has absolutely no validity. His return is eagerly awaited and a reception committee is even now making the necessary arrangements.