Friday, 10 August 2012

Team SL wins gold!

Having been included in the Melbourn 2012 Olympics for the very first time the Team Base Laying has proved to be one of the most popular events of the games. In front of a sell-out crowd our very own Saga Louts team have struck Gold with an astonishing display of strength and skill beating the Bassingbourn team by a staggering 875 Tamps to nil.

Team leader Dennis was over "over the moon" and we are still awaiting the results of his drugs test. However he was at pains to praise the team's coach Anne whose punishing schedule was responsible for Team SL's success.

After supervising four years of training Anne has taken a well earned break in fact she hasn't been seen at all since the Medal ceremony.

Legacy has of course been a major concern at these games and we are pleased to announce the Team SL's base will be the foundation of new training facility with a full size snooker table, skittle alley and bar after planning permission for a pram store was refused.

4 comments:

  1. Verily I am pleased to abide in Caterham ,and to therefore not be subjected to the jail conditions prevalent in the Olde County of Cambridgeshire.The work gang seen in the Image above have obviously been abused over a long period,and my sympathy goes to their starving children and long suffering womenfolk.

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  2. We thank Brother Jenks for his concern. He is indeed correct that in the “Olde County of Cambridgeshire” the menlfolk are often driven to the edge of despair by despotic Gang Mistresses who work them to within an inch of their lives. Fed on a few scraps they toil for 18 hours a day. Their strength and humour being maintained solely by a concoction of hops and malted barley infused with water, they can only dream of the sunny hills of Caterham and freedom from the yoke of male servitude.

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  3. We are grateful to Gordon, our medical correspondent for this insightful commentary.

    From a recently published psychiatric report ……..

    “….. the sad condition of “shed envy” {constructus magna lusticatum} is known to afflict men of a certain age, who look with envy upon the sheds possessed by others. Whilst medical opinion remains divided, it is accepted that although some men may in fact have sheds large enough to be seen from space, or are actually able to boast of having multiple sheds, neither of these are a necessary precondition for satisfaction.

    In an exceptional piece of research, conducted by an eminent engineer before he died, and whose veracity we would hesitate to doubt, he indicated quite clearly that provided a shed is erected with care and is positioned correctly, satisfaction may be obtained regardless of size, (or indeed quantity!).

    A further survey conducted amongst the partners - usually female - of those males suffering from “cml”, to evaluate the levels of satisfaction concerning their experiences of sheds, the following conclusions were reached:

    i) on a scale of 0 – 10, most rated their shed satisfaction at about 5, at best, and

    ii)suggested that the size of the shed had little, if any, effect upon their overall standard of satisfaction

    It is hoped that this research may prove of some consolation to those who only posess sheds of modest proportions, so preventing a worsening of their current condition, although what it says for those who have no shed at all leaves room for speculation………...”

    I hope this timely warning may encourage members to get a grip and take themselves in hand (or should this be the other way round?), and so avoid the need for medical intervention, which, although currently available on the NHS, may soon cease to be so under the current reorganisation.

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  4. Once again we are indebted to Gordon for bringing us up to speed on what is becoming a problem of epidemic proportions.

    A psychiatrist writes ……….

    …..in following up the research conducted by my colleague, Dr. Tyn – y – pe Niss, on constructus magna lusticatum , commonly referred to as “shed envy” we have isolated another disturbing syndrome which we have named: constructus magna laudamus , which may be loosely translated for the layman as

    “shed boasting or bragging”.

    Dr. Niss and I were pleased to receive further government funding for additional research into this behaviour, and the full results of this may be seen in our three volume study, “Erectus Ludorum”, available at the modest price of £175 [HMSO.]

    A very brief summary of our main findings are shown below:

    Firstly there would appear to be strong evidence that it is the latter syndrome (c.m. laudamus), which is largely responsible for the occurrence of the first (c.m. lusticatum.)

    Our results clearly show that both syndromes stem from the belief that the larger the shed, the more desirable it may be to others, usually of the opposite sex.

    Therefore, as in our previous research, we chose to ask the partners of our study group for their views on the size and placement of sheds. We found some surprising results.

    When shown pictures of sheds of various sizes, group responses were usually ones of considerable mirth, regardless of size – the well known “Chippendale Effect”.

    However when shown the same pictures individually, where anonymity was guaranteed, the more common “Goldilocks Effect” was observed.

    In this, pictures of all sheds were greeted with a surprising degree of indifference, whilst the pictures of large sheds elicited almost unanimous responses along the lines of:

    “I certainly wouldn’t want an erection of that size anywhere near my garden!”

    or

    “Don’t think you can put anything that size up in my backyard!”

    These results obviously contradict previous male belief, as stated above – that the larger the shed the better. We suspect this false assumption may have been based upon a misinterpretation of a bowdlerised version of the Rhodean School Song heard in formative years, or more likely, a casual reading of the report submitted by the eminent engineer, referred to in our previous study.

    You will recall that his misplaced efforts to produce a construction to satisfy the rather unique requirements of his partner, shed-wise, ended in a particularly tragic manner, and may well have been the cause of his own untimely demise.

    Our report has been warmly received in government circles and, we believe, is largely responsible for the recent, no doubt welcome announcement, confirming that there will be no increase in taxation aimed at those having large sheds.

    In this the Chancellor has, with one hand, undoubtedly pleasured the PM, whilst with the other has, with one stroke, surely brought much needed relief to many of his colleagues.

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