Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Strange sounds explained

We are very grateful to Dennis for sharing this extraordinary story with us.
Thought you might like to know that the strange sounds from my new Shed  have at last  been  explained.

The rumblings and sometimes almost intestinal  sounds grew louder recently to the point whereby we needed to call in an expert. We called in a Dr Woodknot to take a look, he soon had a theory and called in an Obshedtrician who performed an ultrasound scan of my new Shed.

The results can be seen in the attached ultrasound picture.
Its quite clear, my shed is indeed with Shedling.
The Obshedtrician explained that Sheds are hermaphrodites and the the recent cumming together of Susan and my shed would have produced this result! The Shedling will most probably  be born later this week.
Quote from Anne “ I new this would happen letting that Susan round here, now we have been left holding the poor little ******** and born out of Shedlock too!”  

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

ABUSE SCANDAL - More revelations

We are grateful to Maestro Buch for his diligent reporting.

WARNING - This report contains explicit images
Following recent reports in the media about a deceased TV presenter, more and more alleged victims have come forward with tales of years of abuse.

It seems that the previously sainted presenter, Harry Hucknell, was systematically abusing victims for many years.    In his well known TV series 'Harry'll Fix It', Hucknell was often seen in his shed using his tools in various ways to demonstrate how to make coffee tables and other useful domestic items.   According to several witness statements, it now appears that Hucknell was a predatory shedoephile, using his position to abuse many innocent sheds for his wicked desires.   Hucknell is pictured holding his trademark half-finished book shelf.

Evidence has come to light that Hucknell would often caress work benches in inappropriate ways off-camera, often applying several coats of creosote.   He would also treat wood unmercifully, rendering into a nicely turned table lamp without it's consent. 

Apparently many people at the BBC were aware of this, and several accusations were made at the time, but were never fully investigated.   Newsnight were prevented from broadcasting a story concerning these revelations.   The BBC has announced that there will by a full enquiry into these allegations.

In an interview with the BBC, Elsie Rancid, co-founder of Shedline, said that there were many rumours in the Do-It-Yourself Department of the BBC at the time, but with no clear evidence it seems that Hucknell was able to shrug them off as tittle-tattle.   Miss Rancid said that as a result of the recent publicity, more and more calls are being received by Shedline about extensive abuse across the whole shed industry.

In a separate development, police announced today that they have uncovered a shedoephile ring operating all across the UK and beyond.   It is unclear how many are involved, but evidence suggests that a group of women, some as young as 25, have been posing on the Internet as retired males in order to obtain pictures of men's sheds.   Police have seized several computers and discovered images of sheds with their doors wide open.   Some of these sheds are no more than two years old!

There have also been reports of serious neglect, and documentary evidence has been found.   Two sheds in Bletchley Park have been left untended for decades and in in a state of serious decay (see picture).   The current European financial crisis has also led to some severe cases of neglect as can be seen in the shocking image of a previously spectacular shed in Athens (see picture).

A spokesperson from Social Services Shed Protection Unit said in a statement that there are several on-going investigations into wide spread abuse of sheds and that prosecutions are expected to follow.